This is the transcript of a podcast episode. You can listen to the episode here.
I was talking with some folks on the Touchy Subjects podcast recently, which I highly recommend by the way, and they were referring to 2020 as the Year of Trauma. It’s easy to see why, with the coronavirus and political upheaval, institutional racism, environmental disaster, and everything else. Unfortunately, that trauma seems to be following us into 2021. I’ve talked with so many people this past week who are distraught, unable to focus at work, not sleeping. I see arguments on Facebook like I’ve never seen before, even in the run-up to the election.
How do we get out of this? Where do we go from here?
First, I think we have to take a moment to acknowledge how horrific and scary this time is. It’s pretty clear now that there was a coordinated attack on our democracy, by people who intended to kidnap and possibly murder the Vice President and members of Congress, in anger because they refused to overturn a valid election. It’s okay if you need a minute to process that. This might not be your most productive week. Take a run, listen to music, write in your journal, draw or paint. Whatever your self-care is, now is the time to lean into that.
Second, we have to be willing to talk about it. Whatever the feelings we have are, just talk about them. Talk about them with your family, your friends, and at work. In this week’s interview with Anjali Chaturvedi, I loved that she said, the important thing is THAT you talk about it. We may be afraid that we’ll do it inartfully, or we’ll trigger someone into an emotional response, or that we’ll reveal our own ignorance about something. We have to be brave enough to step into that vulnerable place. Because honestly, it’s the only way forward. We can’t keep papering over these feelings—just try to jump to unity, peace and flowers. It’s not authentic. We have to be willing to look at the hard emotions we’re experiencing.
In terms of how to do it, you can just say, “This has been a really hard week. How’s everyone doing?” Then be quiet for a second and let people talk if they want to. The key is not to jump in–allow the silence—count to ten if necessary. Most of the time people will fill that silence. If not, chime in yourself. “I’m exhausted. I’m having a hard time concentrating.” Or whatever you legitimately are experiencing. When others do share their feelings, let them get it out and then acknowledge it. Say things like, “I hear you.” “Yeah, I think anger is totally understandable right now.” “That makes sense.” Try to acknowledge everyone who speaks in some way, even if by group: “Yeah, I’m seeing a lot of people say that they were really scared. I can understand that, it was really frightening.”
If it starts to get into a political debate, that’s okay as long as people are civil. Try to keep the discussion to feelings rather than debating facts.
Third, engage outside help. Remember that EAP is there for a reason. If your organization has an Employee Assistance Program, and most do, remind people about them. They’re free, they’re confidential, and if you don’t want to talk to them, they can refer you to outside services. If you don’t have EAP there are community resources. Call 211—it’s a free community call line that connects you with local organizations that can provide free assistance. You can reach a trained counselor any time of the day or night by texting 741741. Finally, it’s hard to know who needs help right now. Make sure everyone is aware of the resources out there.
So what will 2021 be? I’d like to submit an idea for consideration. Can we make 2021 the year of empathy? The year of compassion? The year when we take care of each other, lend some support? Because here is the thing. We’re not going to be able to close the door on the trauma of 2020 as easily as we turn the calendar page. What I know is that if we don’t confront the challenges we experience, they settle into our bones, into our psyches, and they pop up again without warning. They show up in shorter tempers, insomnia, illness, addiction. Brain fog.
We have to lead differently in 2021. We have to model compassion, empathy, forgiveness, and grace, in our families, our schools, our communities, and our workplaces. That’s why I wanted to start the year with that interview of Anjali Chaturvedi, because she showed us how to do it. You share of yourself, even the sticky, less Instagram-worthy parts. You open up about your struggles. You talk about the hard stuff, even if you aren’t sure you’re going to do it right. And you forgive yourself when you mess up, because at least you’re showing up. At least you’re trying. You treat yourself with the same grace that you treat others. You listen, apologize, and try to do better next time.
Good luck with all of this, my friends. May we have more peaceful times. May we create more peaceful times.