What We Say vs. What We Model
A leader once told me that she always makes sure everyone on her team knows that she values work-life balance. She approves requests for time off without question, encourages employees to take all of their vacation days, and urges them to turn off their work phones when the workday ends.
“That’s great,” I said. “And how about you? Do you model a healthy work-life balance yourself?”
She froze.
After a moment’s silence, she admitted that she regularly works until 10pm, answers every email within minutes, and couldn’t remember her last day off.
I smiled. “I get that. I know how important this work is to you. But here’s the thing: you’re showing your team what matters by the actions you take every day. They are listening to what you say, of course. But even more than that, they’re watching what you do.”
“If you want them to know that taking care of their mental health matters—and it does, because people can’t sustain the good decision-making, empathy, creativity, and resilience this work requires without it—then you have to show them that by taking care of yours.”
The Case for Noisy Self-Care
What I was talking about with that leader is what I call “noisy self-care.”
It’s the idea that if we want to build a culture where well-being is valued, leaders must model it. They must take care of their own mental health—and let others see that they do.
When leaders quietly act like they are endlessly available, endlessly resilient, and endlessly fine, employees often conclude that they’re supposed to be, too.
If we want people to believe support-seeking is acceptable, leaders have to help normalize that. And please note that “leader” isn’t limited to those with formal authority. Culture is shaped by all of us. Every time someone talks openly about taking a mental health day, going to therapy, leaning on friends, using EAP, or setting healthy boundaries, it sends a signal that support is normal and acceptable. From the most junior employee to the most senior, we all help shape what people feel permitted to do.
Making Support Visible
We help normalize support-seeking when we make our own coping strategies and support systems visible.
That might look like:
- taking vacation time, and talking about it
- mentioning that you leaned on EAP during a difficult period
- saying you are logging off for the evening (and actually doing so)
- protecting time for therapy, exercise, rest, or family
- acknowledging when you need recovery, too.
You don’t need to disclose deeply personal details to create psychological safety.
Often, simple statements like “I reached out for support,” “I’m taking some time to recharge,” or “I’ve found it helpful to talk this through with someone I trust” can make it easier for others to do the same.
Questions Worth Asking Yourself
Here are a few questions worth reflecting on:
- What do I currently do to take care of myself during stressful periods?
- Which of those supports do I openly model, and which do I hide?
- What messages might my habits be sending to my team?
- What is one small, authentic way I could normalize support-seeking in my workplace?
- What would it look like to model self-care in a way that feels authentic to me?
The culture your team experiences will be shaped less by what you permit, and more by what you model. Give some thought to what you’re modeling, and the message it’s sending.
