An employee whose child is facing a mental health crisis. A coworker who has just been diagnosed with cancer. A team managing clients who are angry and abusive. Our organizations are filled with people experiencing anxiety, grief, and distress, especially now. As one professional who works in health care recently said to me, “almost everyone I speak with on a daily basis is experiencing trauma.”
Ignoring these issues doesn’t make them go away. Trauma isn’t a jacket we can hang up when it’s time to go to work. We carry it with us, and it affects our productivity, communication, engagement, and wellbeing.
This challenge is also an opportunity, though. When we show up for our colleagues in distress with empathy and skill, we build stronger relationships, healthier teams, and more productive organizations. Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to do. We worry that we’re overstepping boundaries or getting too personal (though evidence shows people expect leaders to provide emotional support for them in hard times). Often, we simply don’t know what to say. A coworker mentions a personal challenge and we blurt out something trite and try to escape as quickly as we can.
This is the first in a series on how to respond with compassion and skill to trauma on the job. I’ll walk through my LASER process as set forth in my book, The Empathetic Workplace: Listen. Acknowledge. Share. Empower. Return. These steps will help you navigate any conversation with confidence, build stronger relationships, and create teams where people feel seen and valued.
My focus today is on the first step, Listen. This is the most important step. If we do nothing else, merely listening with compassion can further a person’s healing and make them more likely to seek support they need. It also builds strong bonds of trust that enhance wellbeing, creativity, and productivity.
Active listening is more than just letting the person talk; it’s creating the circumstances where the person feels comfortable opening it. Here’s how to do that.
- Ask questions
There’s no better way to show someone that we want to hear what they’re saying than asking them questions. Specifically, ask open-ended questions, meaning those that don’t readily yield a yes or no response. Who, what, where, and when are all great questions. What happened next? Where were you? Who were you with? I try to avoid “Why” questions because they can come across as blaming even if you don’t feel that way (“why did you do that?” can sound a lot like “that was a dumb thing to do”). Instead, consider “tell me more about that” as a way to get at a similar response without asking why.
2. Watch your body language
Sometimes when we’re feeling stress we can subconsciously adopt a defensive stance—shoulders hunched, arms crossed, brow furrowed. This can give a person the impression that we don’t want to hear from them, or even that we’re angry. Notice how you’re sitting and try to adopt a neutral, relaxed stance and facial expression. As an added bonus, people often mirror the posture of those they’re interacting with, so the speaker may follow suit and relax their posture, as well, calming them down and lowering the overall temperature of the conversation.
3. Try looping
Looping is one of my favorite listening techniques. It’s really simple and surprisingly effective. Just say back a few words of what the person has said. For instance, if your coworker says, “I’m so frustrated by everything my dad is going through,” you could say, “you must be so frustrated by everything your dad is going through.” It feels like a trick, but in my experience, the reaction I get is usually a relieved, “Exactly!” The key is that we’re using their exact language—“frustrated” is a little different from “angry” or “upset.” When we use their language, we both demonstrate that we’re listening and validate their experience.
4. Dig deeper
When someone opens up about a challenge they’re facing, they often aren’t sure if the person to whom they’re speaking really wants to hear what they’re saying. To test this, they’ll glide over parts that may be difficult to hear. For instance, they may say, “Anyway, things got a little out of hand at that point” and move on to other topics. We shouldn’t try to force people into sharing anything they don’t want to, but often they’re doing this to protect us, not themselves. We can show that it really is okay to share with us by following up. Again, use their language: “Earlier you mentioned that things got out of hand at one point. What did you mean by that?” If they don’t want to go on, that’s fine, but you’ve shown them that it’s okay to share more if they choose to.
5. Navigate your own emotions
It’s common to have our own emotional response to what we’re hearing. Perhaps we feel sad for the person, or angry about what they’re saying through, or worried about how this is going to affect the work that has to be done. It’s normal to have emotions—we’re human, and that’s good; we want humans doing this work. The challenge is where our emotional response keeps us from supporting the person who needs it. For instance, our sadness may cause us to cut off the conversation because it’s difficult to hear what the person is saying, our anger may make us interrupt the person, or our worry may distract us.
To manage that response, first remember to breathe. A deep, slow breath calms our nervous system and increases brain function. Next, check in with yourself and identify your feeling: “I’m getting sad,” or “This is making me angry,” or “I’m starting to worry.” Acknowledging our feelings helps us to feel more in control of them. Sometimes people remember this as “name it to tame it.” Finally, check in with your senses. Count the pictures on the wall you’re facing, touch the desk in front of you and notice whether it feels smooth or rough, or note the smell of coffee from the next room. Engaging our senses calms us and helps us to focus.
The next time a colleague shares something heavy that is weighing on them, try not to jump in immediately with a solution or a pat response. Instead, practice simply listening. You may be surprised at how effective it is.