Following the murder of George Floyd, a manager realized that she should address racism at her next staff meeting. At the start of the meeting, she asked the African-American members of her mostly-white team to talk about issues of racism and bias (not the best way to go about this, as noted here). One man opened up about difficult incidents from his past. He spoke from the heart with honesty and vulnerability; at one point, he teared up.
When he finished speaking, the manager said, “Well, that’s all the time we have. Have a great day, everyone!” And she ended the call.
It is possible that the manager thought she had done a good job in opening a discussion on a hard topic and giving the floor to a team member who was hurting to share his story. I am sure that she listened to his words. Unfortunately, her actions likely added to his pain, and to the pain of other team members. This is because she missed an essential step: She failed to acknowledge what he had shared.
This article is Part 2 in a series on responding to trauma in the workplace. In Part 1, I discussed listening. While listening is important, alone it is not enough. We also need to make sure that the person feels heard.
Acknowledgement By the Numbers
Acknowledgement is essential to individual wellbeing, and has an outsized impact on the bottom line. A global study of more than 4,000 employees found that
· Highly engaged employees are three times more likely to say they feel heard at their workplace (92%) than highly disengaged employees (just 30%).
· 74% of employees report they are more effective at their job when they feel heard.
· 88% of employees whose companies financially outperform others in their industry feel heard compared to 62% of employees at financially underperforming companies.
A recent series of studies showed the importance of acknowledging others’ difficult emotions at work, finding that participants were more likely to trust coworkers who acknowledged their feelings, especially negative ones. This was particularly important for leaders; the researchers noted that “While managers view emotional support as committing an act of kindness outside their managerial role, employees, on the other hand, see it as an integral part of a manager’s job.” In addition, researchers found that, “Preliminary data…also suggests that emotional acknowledgment boosts feelings of belonging and inclusivity.”
How to Acknowledge
When someone shares with us something difficult that they’re experiencing, we often want to fix the problem or share some words of wisdom that will reframe the issue and make them feel better. Try to resist this urge. We are unlikely to offer solutions that are effective and that the person has not already considered, and our efforts to cheer the person up can come across as blaming or toxic positivity. Often the most powerful support we can provide is merely to let them know that we heard them.
Some things we could say are,
· “Thanks for letting me know,”
· “That sounds awful/scary/upsetting,” or
· “I’m really sorry for everything you’re going through.”
The key is not to jump to solutions or try to talk the person out of how they’re feeling; just letting them know that we heard and understood them is enough.
Avoid Denial and Distraction
In particular, it’s helpful to avoid responses that either deny or distract from what the person shared.
Denial responses imply that the person is simply wrong about what is upsetting them. For instance, one might say, “you probably misunderstood” or “I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that.”
Distraction responses attempt to draw the person’s attention elsewhere, as in, “You need to focus on your kids right now,” or “My friend went through something similar; let me tell you about him.”
Denials and distractions are likely rooted in a desire to help. If I can talk you out of your pain or distract you from it, the person reasons, you’ll feel better. It doesn’t work, though, as you’ve probably experienced in your own life. When we share something that is bothering us, we want to feel heard. As Teddy Roosevelt said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” A response that acknowledges what we’ve said is comforting and validating.
Conclusion
When someone shares something painful with me, I often wish I had some magic words that I could say to take away their pain, or at least relieve it for a while. The reality is that it’s not as complicated as we might think. What we need to do is simply let the person know that they are seen and cared for–that’s the best response of all.