I turned 50 last week, and took the opportunity to reflect on some of the life lessons I’ve learned along the way, and for which I am grateful. I share them here, in case they’re helpful to you, too.

1. Self-care is a daily practice.

Oh, how I wish this weren’t so. I wish I could blow off my self-care routine without any consequences. I mean, haven’t I done enough of it yet? I really feel that I should have reached a state of perfect enlightenment and be finished with the daily grind of taking care of my body and mind. 

Alas, it doesn’t work that way. Trust me, I have tried. And every time I drop my self-care routines, I see the effects in my patience, my mood, my energy, and my health. This spring, my work schedule was bonkers. I traveled so much in such a short period of time that I got a cold, and then I coughed so much that I threw out my back. I spent a week in bed, and all of my routines were gone. I had to start all over again building up my workout practice, my meditation and gratitude practices. I was so bummed, but it was a useful reminder. Self-care is not a destination, it’s a practice. 

2. Know and respect your weaknesses.

I have a family history of alcoholism. Something that I have to know about myself, then, is that alcohol is a weakness. I am careful with my drinking—I limit my drinks, I don’t drink hard alcohol, and in times of great stress, like when my father and a good friend died within six months of each other, I stop drinking entirely. 

It’s so easy to feel invincible when things are going well. It would be tempting to say, sure, some of my family members have struggled with alcoholism, but for me, it’s fine. I don’t need to worry about that. But I have seen the devastation it can wreak and I am smart enough to be vigilant. I don’t want this weakness to wreck everything I’ve built. 

Maybe alcoholism isn’t your weakness. Maybe for you it’s workaholism, or gambling, or perfectionism, or depression or rage. Keep an eye on that, okay? You have within you the seeds of your downfall as well as the seeds of your success. 

3. Success feels hollow if you have no one to share it with.

I was fortunate to learn this lesson pretty early on. When I was in law school, I was in charge of the school’s annual charity auction. I worked so hard to solicit and gather the donations, wrangle the volunteers, organize the location and food and drinks, and find an auctioneer. That paired with trying to keep up with my classes meant that for a few months, I turned down every invitation and barely even spoke with my friends. 

And then the night of the auction happened. I looked around at everyone talking and laughing and dancing and I had…no one. I knew people there, of course, but I had so pushed everyone away in the pursuit of my goal that I didn’t have anyone with whom to share this moment that was the pinnacle of all I’d worked for over so many months. 

Since then, I have strived to remember that the success isn’t worth very much without someone with whom to share it. When you do have someone to share it, it feels so very wonderful. Check out this video of me seeing my published book for the first time, and my son sharing my joy.

4. If you win every motion you file, you’re not asking for enough.

This one sounds like it applies only to lawyers, but stick with me. When I was a new attorney, I was terrified of failure. I knew enough to know that I knew very little about how to practice law, and I was pretty sure I would at any moment be exposed for the fraud that I was. One of the best lessons I got at that time was from a partner I worked for, Shawn Hanson. Shawn taught me that failure is part of it. If you win every time, you’re not asking for enough. 

I’ve used this lesson so much since then. It’s a reminder that while there is a cost to failure, there is a cost to the fear of failure, too. We have to be willing to put ourselves out there—to go wholeheartedly at what we want, even when success is far from assured.

An antecedent to this, of course, is knowing what you want. Really, all of what you want. I once attended a training at the Harvard Negotiation Project and one of the exercises they advise before you go into a negotiation is to brainstorm everything you could possibly want out of the negotiation. Most people fail at negotiations because they’ve come in too narrowly focused, say on receiving a certain amount of money. There is always more than that—there’s a timeline, there’s a relationship and possibility of future projects, there’s your reputation, there are non-monetary forms of compensation, there’s your mental health. 

When you’re thinking through what you want, be as creative as possible. Then, be willing to ask for it. You won’t get everything, and you shouldn’t. But I promise you’ll get more than you initially thought you could.

5. If you’re going to bet on anything, bet on yourself.

When I left the Justice Department after 15 years, a lot of people looked at me strangely. I had a secure job, flexibility, a subject matter I cared about, and great colleagues and bosses. Why would I gamble all of that on something as uncertain as starting my own business?

To be sure, I asked myself that question quite a lot. What I kept coming back to was that I knew there was more I could and wanted to do. Yes, it was a risk. But I knew how hard I was willing to work and I knew that I would do whatever it took to succeed. I was betting, but I was betting on myself, and that’s a bet I’m willing to make. 

There will always be people who are happy to tell you what to do, to make your decisions for you, or to handle large portions of your life. Certainly, get help when you need it. But don’t ever turn over control of your happiness, your career, or your finances. You know more than you think. Of course you’ll fail sometimes (see #4 above), but you’ll learn along the way, and you’ll be able to take those lessons and apply them in the future. I never regret listening to my instincts, even when things don’t work out how I’d envisioned.  

I’m really grateful for these lessons, and glad to know that the years to come will offer more. Here’s to the journey, my friends. I’m glad to travel it with you.