It’s been a hard week. After a hard month, after a hard two years. We’ve experienced so much: Covid, George Floyd, anti-Asian hate, political upheaval, the invasion in Ukraine, mass shootings again and again. And that’s just the stuff going on in the world; individual organizations and teams are dealing with the loss of team members, turnover, family crises, high levels of uncertainty about reopening and the future of work, and more.
At a conference recently I talked about all we’ve been through and was surprised that people cried. One man afterward said, “it’s the first time in two years that someone just said it.” I get that. We need to feel acknowledged. At the same time, it’s hard to know how to raise these issues, especially in a work environment. These topics can become elephants in the room–the huge issue that no one is acknowledging.
Here’s how I facilitate a conversation on a tough topic.
- First, I start the discussion on a mellow, easy note, inviting people to participate in the conversation. An ice breaker is good: “What did you do last weekend?” “I need a new show to watch. What have you liked recently?”
- Then, explicitly shift the conversation to the more difficult topic. “It’s been such a hard week and I want to create an opportunity for people to talk about it.” “I know there have been a lot of thoughts about how the office reopening is going and I wanted to discuss that this morning.”
- Next, go over the ground rules. “No one has to share anything if they don’t want. If you do want to share, it’s fine to raise your hand, then unmute, or to share in the chat.” “We have some other things to cover today, as well, so we’ll try to limit the discussion to about thirty minutes.”
- After that, model that it is okay to say hard things. In my class this morning, I said, “Yesterday, I saw pictures of those beautiful kids who were killed and just started sobbing. This is really hard.” Another example could be something like, “I’ve been frustrated myself about some of the inconsistent information we’ve been receiving.” It’s also wise to note that your reaction isn’t the only right one: “I’m sure other people are experiencing this differently.”
- Next, invite in conversation with a specific, open-ended question: “How are you feeling?” “What’s it been like for you?” It can also help to provide two things people could answer, for instance, “I’d love to hear from folks what your experience has been with the transition to the office or whether you feel like you’ve gotten enough support as you’re doing it.”
- Then: stop. Force yourself not to fill the silence that follows. I often take a drink to keep myself from talking because it can be uncomfortable when no one says anything. People need a second to think before they speak, and if they’re typing in the chat, that takes even longer. Give some time for them to respond.
- Once they start sharing, make sure you acknowledge each person who speaks. “That’s a great point, Margo.” “I can definitely relate, Jack.” “Did everyone see Jordan’s comment in the chat? Thanks for sharing that story.” This can be tricky sometimes, especially if the conversation is going quickly, but try to loop back and make sure everyone feels heard. For instance, you could say, “I really see that point about the challenges of having some people remote and others in the office. Marina, Dave, Victor, and Ali, thanks for sharing your experiences.”
- Finally, let people know that the conversation is ending soon (“we’ve got about five more minutes”) and invite any last thoughts, then thank everyone for participating.
If we’re going to be authentic at work, we have to be willing to talk about the hard, messy, uncomfortable feelings we sometimes have. I hope this helps.