Our November Fridays Together conversation was such a pleasure and so illuminating. Special thanks to our special guest, Olivia James! Olivia spoke about the challenges so many of us are experiencing right now as we commence “re-peopling.” During the lockdowns and quarantining, people were liable to kill us, she points out. It’s not easy to go from that to extending a big hug to an acquaintance you haven’t seen for a while.
As we reunite with loved ones, many experience what one attendee termed “tempered joy”–I am happy to see you, but I don’t want to hurt you so I’m going to hold myself back. The different decisions some are making around vaccinations and masks can add to the sense of unease. Olivia noted, “We are tribal and exist in connection. When we find out we can’t trust others, it’s like discovering that they’re zombies–‘But I thought you were safe!'” All of these issues are coming to the fore now, of course, as we plan for Thanksgiving in the U.S. and the many winter holidays.
Amy Wilson noted that we generally have three separate spheres–home, work, and the larger political sphere. Right now, those are all collapsing in on each other, and are all disrupted. She noted that many of us are in middle ground of languishing–I’m not in my pajamas, but I’m not exactly thriving, either. (You can see Amy’s book, Empathy for Change, here.) Sarah Spindler said that it seems like in this time, our worlds have gotten so small (sometimes just our four walls), but the problems so big. At times we can feel like an elephant balancing an on egg (see her beautiful illustration of the concept below!).
We talked about some ways to take care of ourselves. Easy, small habits can make a difference (see James Clear’s Atomic Habits on the power of this). We discussed calendaring a daily mindful minute, listening to music, and going for a walk outside, as well as reiki and singing bowls. Some extolled the Brain Performance Challenge app, as a way to keep your mind healthy in these challenging times, and the Center for Brain Health has some great resources on resilience.
So, our brains. We talked a lot about brain freeze–that horrible moment when someone asks you a question and you can’t form a response. At a recent conference, someone asked me what I had done over the summer. I not only couldn’t recall what I had done, but I couldn’t even remember what month it was–how long ago was summer? What year is it, anyway?
Olivia said that is a common stress response. Our brains are always on the lookout for danger, but like a car alarm that erupts when a cat swishes its tail, they are sometimes a little oversensitive. To calm down when we find ourselves experiencing that freeze response, try looking slowly from side to side, literally showing your brain that there isn’t a danger present. A deep breath helps, as does engaging with the senses–count five stripes on the wallpaper or notice the smell of coffee from the next room. (For those who could use an extra hand with this, Olivia is a therapist who specializes in stress and performance anxiety.)
And for that self-flagellation that we engage in when we fear we’ve done or said someone dumb? Olivia shared the French phrase “l’esprit de l’escalier,” or “the spirit of the stairs”–picture leaving a party and thinking, “why didn’t I just say, ‘I went to the beach’?!” Olivia advises going easy on ourselves. Check in withsomeone else to get a neutral assessment of how awful you actually sounded (likely no one else noticed), and remember that criticism is generally not the way to get the best out of anyone, ourselves included. She recommends having an easy way to interrupt yourself when you start to criticize; singing and dancing are great options. I knew making that hip hop playlist was going to come in handy!
Our next Fridays Together discussion will be on December 10 at noon Eastern/11am Central/10am Mountain/9am Pacific. Calendar it now! Sign on here: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/83511718560?pwd=ZFAramRsOEFiZFBRcjNuNFRCOCtXdz09 or call-in information below. See you then!
Katharine Manning is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.
Topic: Fridays Together
Time: Dec 10, 2021 12:00 PM Eastern Time (US and Canada)
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