I had a fantastic time yesterday presenting on The Empathetic Workplace at the EEOC EXCEL Training Conference. A really great question I got from an investigator was about how to handle it when the story the person is telling brings up a difficult experience from your own past. How can you remain professional and do your job when your own emotions are stirring?
I was so glad to get the question, because often in that situation, we slip into robot mode. I have no feelings, I am just an investigator [lawyer/doctor/officer/manager]. No one wants to connect with a robot, of course. The other person will notice your wall of professionalism and feel distant and less likely to open up–the opposite of what you need to do your job.
Instead, lean into your feelings.
First, breathe. A deep breath through the nose slows your heart rate, calms your nervous system, and increases brain function. It’s truly magical.
Second, name your feeling. I’m getting angry, sad, scared, whatever it is. Just naming it helps you feel more in control.
Third, engage one of your five senses. Count the stripes on the wallpaper behind the person, feel the texture of the desk under your hand, notice the scent of coffee from the next room. This brings you back to the present moment and reminds your lizard brain that you are not in danger, you’re sitting in an office talking to someone.
Fourth, if you’re still having trouble, take a break. Just say, “Thanks for sharing this. I have some more to cover, but first, I would like to get a drink of water. Can I get you one? Let’s meet back in 15 minutes.” Then, if possible, go outside. Look at the sky. Walk around. Get that drink of water. Keep breathing.
Finally, on an ongoing basis, take care of yourself. We’re more able to handle challenges when we’re stronger, both physically and mentally.
I’m so glad that people with their own histories of challenging times are doing investigations and examinations, because that history gives us insight and empathy. So let’s keep doing the work, but make sure we take care of ourselves as we do it.